As we not only enter 2014, we’re also entering Award Season in the film industry. So over the next month I’ll be putting out a few Top 5 or Top 10 lists surrounding the 2013 Film and Television year in review. I figure I’ll start things off with a Top 10 list of the WORST FILMS of 2013. Now right off the bat I must admit that there are just so many gosh-darn bad movies that come out each year that it’s impossible to include them all in this list because some films I just refuse to watch. A good example of this would be sequels like The Smurfs II, Scary Movie 5 or Grown Ups II, all sequels for movies that I ultimately despised and wouldn’t watch again even if paid money – but here is an exhaustive list of where Hollywood has gone wrong over the past year:
10. The Hangover Part III – while not the worst movie of the year, this franchise wore itself out with its second installment. While there is nothing new under the sun, there was nothing original about this movie, no matter how hard everyone tried. I was bored from the very opening sequence until the very last sequence. I actually stopped watching it at one point and contemplated not even finishing the film.
9. Kick Ass 2 – I have to be honest, I really like the Kick Ass comics. I get that they are ultra-violent, over-the-top and comical in their display of its overt gore and violence, yet it still leaves a lot to the imagination. I despised the first Kick Ass movie as I found nothing humorous or entertaining about watching a 10 year old girl nearly get the life beat out of her in such graphic detail. When it came to Kick Ass 2 I gave it a chance, but wish I hadn’t, as once again, there is nothing funny or entertaining in the way we watch a multitude of cops being gunned down outside a house, while a villain viciously masturbates to try and get his d*ck hard so he can proceed to rape a girl, all supposedly played for laughs. What may work in a comic book definitely does not translate onto film with grace.
8. 21 & Over – This film had every party-film cliché in the book. Yet didn’t have a single laugh for the entire film.
7. A Good Day to Die Hard – John McClane goes to Russia to see his son Jack. Jack and John proceed to travel to Chernobyl and blow sh*t up. The end. Die Hard 5 was supposed to return this franchise to its former glory. Needless to say it failed. Please, kill the franchise now.
6. The Heat – A buddy cop comedy that has no funny moments. Melissa McCarthy is the same character in all of her films. And while it’s funny the first or second time, it definitely isn’t funny anymore, and wasn’t here. The very few chuckles that exist are overshadowed by a convoluted and unnecessary plot. Bullock didn’t even seem to give a single damn about anything in the film and seemed to be in it for the paycheck. I’ve heard a rumour of a sequel. I hope it stays a rumour.
5. The Big Wedding. – A huge cast. A large number of stars. A huge disaster. Enough said.
4. Only God Forgives – God may forgive this atrocity. I don’t. Ryan Gosling reteams up with Nicholas Winding Refn from Drive and gives audiences the dullest 90 minute performance in theatres this year. Only God Forgives is reprehensible in its portrayal of pretty much everything. Gosling’s 16 lines (approximately) felt like 16 lines too many and his performance was more dull than anything I’ve ever seen from him.
3. CBGB – The story of Hilly Kristal and the founding of the punk-rock club CBGB is an irrelevant film for an irrelevant audience. Read my full review (filled with a bucket full of hate) right here.
2. Battle of the Year – I hate dance movies. I was dragged to see this film. It was by far one of the worst movies of the year, with pathetic performances, dialogue that felt like it was written by a 4 year old, and was basically just a commercial for the film Planet B-Boy. I am so glad that this film bombed at the box office. I would have lost faith in humanity if it did any better than it actually did.
1. R.I.P.D. – Ryan Reynolds is to comic book movies as Dane Cook is to comedy. Reynolds has successfully killed 4 comic book films now to date. He destroyed Blade III, bombed in Wolverine Origins, killed the Green Lantern and absolutely devastated RIPD. Let me state that I don’t walk out of films. I can count the number of movies I have walked out of on one hand, good or bad. I sat through 30 minutes of RIPD, based on the Dark Horse comic by the same name, before boldly walking out of the film, feeling more liberated with each step I took.
Honorable Mentions: Identity Thief, Mama, The Purge, A Haunted House and Oz: The Great & Powerful
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